Tuesday, July 12, 2011
.: Trust :. :
i've come to realise something about myself, i just dont share.
I will always listen to people problems, but when it comes to me, all i share are surface stuff.
perhaps things in the past really has left its mark on me.
when i come to look at it.
i grew up in a family which teaches us the values money over anything else.
'to survive, you have to be smart, cheat or be cheated, lie if you have to'
i grow up in a purely chinaman business background family. A family in which brothers fight with brothers for wealth. In my shoes, its uncles and aunties which backstab each other, quarell and cheat for the sake of wealth. Out of all my uncle and aunties, my dad is considered the least cunning amongst all. And when i say least cunning, it means he doesnt do a super con business, instead his business are largely related with bribing and forging documents. Up till this very day i'm still faced with these kinda stuff.
Over the years i've grown in this condition till i'm semi immune to it. Perhaps maybe thats one of the reason why i grow numb to feelings and things very easily.
As a kid, i have countless experience with friends breaking trusts, back stabbing cases, the best of all, outcasted.
As much as i show or carry myself to be look 'ok'
Deep down inside i know i'm not, well..i guess i've learn the art of compressing everything inside and just contain it and show that i'm super alright.
I remember about two years ago, when i was going through a very tough time, i didn't even share my problem with someone which i know really cared for me throughout these years. Well, the person only got to know probably 8 or 9 months later.
In my family, i don't share with them. In fact i just realise this last weekend when someone asked 'how are you when ur at home with ur family?'
i'm a total different person when i'm at home, i dont talk much, i dont share much, i just keep quite and do my own stuff. I dont share because i feel i wont being any help, in this case its my mom. Life's been hard on our family since like 10 years ago or even more.. especially my mom. My dad is definitely not an easy to go with person. He has no patience, a bad temper, super bad financial management and he just doesnt listen. To him, everything he says goes, even if he says something now and says something else which is totally contradicting 2 minutes later, he's still right. I remember my mom crying and telling me many times over the years 'if its not for you kids, i would have settle for a divorce with your dad a long long time ago'
So i guess that is why naturally i wont share with her because life is already so hard for her, my as well just listen to her, let her release rather than add more problems and stress.
When i really look back at all this situations, it only comes to one thing, i can't seem to open up and trust anymore. The 'swallow it down and compress it' action automatically kicks in everytime. Now its not just about swallowing it down. It has already affected me, i've kinda lost my confidence in things i do. I'm still figuring how to gain it back, really.
But you see, God is just..being God all the time. With everything i've just said, just the other day someone was giving an advice, saying that we should really find someone whom we really can trust and confide in. Someone whom we know whom watches our back and is ready to be there for us and correct us if necessary.
Yes i have to admit. There are moments in which i feel that i might even fall out from trusting God.
But i know, it is in the toughest moments in my life where God seems to be the strongest and most evident. So i guess for now, just persevere and have a faith. Start really opening up to ppl whom i feel i can trust. Theres nothing much i can do anyways.
JapBoyRockS blogged at 5:40:00 PM 0 comments
.: Trust :. :
Trust.thats one very big word.
i've come to realise something about myself, i just dont share.
I will always listen to people problems, but when it comes to me, all i share are surface stuff.
perhaps things in the past really has left its mark on me.
when i come to look at it.
i grew up in a family which teaches us the values money over anything else.
'to survive, you have to be smart, cheat or be cheated, lie if you have to'
i grow up in a purely chinaman business background family. A family in which brothers fight with brothers for wealth. In my shoes, its uncles and aunties which backstab each other, quarell and cheat for the sake of wealth. Out of all my uncle and aunties, my dad is considered the least cunning amongst all. And when i say least cunning, it means he doesnt do a super con business, instead his business are largely related with bribing and forging documents. Up till this very day i'm still faced with these kinda stuff.
Over the years i've grown in this condition till i'm semi immune to it. Perhaps maybe thats one of the reason why i grow numb to feelings and things very easily.
As a kid, i have countless experience with friends breaking trusts, back stabbing cases, the best of all, outcasted.
As much as i show or carry myself to be look 'ok'
Deep down inside i know i'm not, well..i guess i've learn the art of compressing everything inside and just contain it and show that i'm super alright.
I remember about two years ago, when i was going through a very tough time, i didn't even share my problem with someone which i know really cared for me throughout these years. Well, the person only got to know probably 8 or 9 months later.
In my family, i don't share with them. In fact i just realise this last weekend when someone asked 'how are you when ur at home with ur family?'
i'm a total different person when i'm at home, i dont talk much, i dont share much, i just keep quite and do my own stuff. I dont share because i feel i wont being any help, in this case its my mom. Life's been hard on our family since like 10 years ago or even more.. especially my mom. My dad is definitely not an easy to go with person. He has no patience, a bad temper, super bad financial management and he just doesnt listen. To him, everything he says goes, even if he says something now and says something else which is totally contradicting 2 minutes later, he's still right. I remember my mom crying and telling me many times over the years 'if its not for you kids, i would have settle for a divorce with your dad a long long time ago'
So i guess that is why naturally i wont share with her because life is already so hard for her, my as well just listen to her, let her release rather than add more problems and stress.
When i really look back at all this situations, it only comes to one thing, i can't seem to open up and trust anymore. The 'swallow it down and compress it' action automatically kicks in everytime. Now its not just about swallowing it down. It has already affected me, i've kinda lost my confidence in things i do. I'm still figuring how to gain it back, really.
But you see, God is just..being God all the time. With everything i've just said, just the other day someone was giving an advice, saying that we should really find someone whom we really can trust and confide in. Someone whom we know whom watches our back and is ready to be there for us and correct us if necessary.
Yes i have to admit. There are moments in which i feel that i might even fall out from trusting God.
But i know, it is in the toughest moments in my life where God seems to be the strongest and most evident. So i guess for now, just persevere and have a faith. Start really opening up to ppl whom i feel i can trust. Theres nothing much i can do anyways.
JapBoyRockS blogged at 5:40:00 PM 0 comments
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